Quarter life crisis??

November 12, 2009

I wake up in the morning, hoping it is not a morning. I hate my office. I hate my work. I hate the cubicle. I hate talking to friends. I go to office hoping that the day gets over soon. Ppl ask me “what happened?”, I hate even answering that question. I hate walks after lunch, and the talks over the lunch. Small teases become irritating. Its weird, suddenly silence has become so comforting. I am comfortable with computer all the time rather than human beings. Daily talks with my parents does not help me either, rather it drives me crazy. Even my favourite pastime Table Tennis is irksome. I hate crowd, I like to be alone. Future looks frightening. A strange feeling that life is going out of control,  a feeling that somebody else is controlling my life. Even prayers dont help. Night full of nightmares. Oh, Is there a escape? Is this what they call as Quarter life crisis?

Its true that being in twenties is something, weird, full of uncertainties.

 Have you ever felt this way??

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Straight from heart..

September 19, 2009

Hi,

First of all, my sincere apologies to all the readers of my blog, especially to the ones who are more than happy to read it and post their comments. Its been pretty long since I last updated my blog, reasons are many. Lol! We humans are very good at giving reasons, aren’t we?
One genuine reason I can think of not blogging is, my weekends are busier now. And I am happy to say that I have accomplished few things these days.

One such thing being Teaching, Yes, me and my friends decided to take some time off from our habitué life to do some quality work on weekends, apart from meeting and chatting. Teaching was my long time dream. That is  a profession I always looked up to and still think it as a great profession which has a potential to tune the kids and build the nation’s future. I hesitated when I was asked to teach English for 6th std kids at a government school. I thought atleast 100 times before committing to the job. I was doubtful of my teaching skills and I always considered my English as crummy and unworthy of teaching. I was very tensed the day before I went to school, I had spent considerable time figuring out 6th std Kid’s IQ and knowledge.
To my surprise the situation at the school was far different from what I anticipated. Lot of attention was needed to make them understand the very fundamentals. By the end of the first class I had come to conclusion that
1.Teaching is no cakewalk, you wont realize the difficulty unless you jump into it.
2.Teaching language like english which has no apparent logic in it is challenging.
Thanks to all Kiranas, especially to Ninja for giving me such opportunity.

If family is air, friends are water to me.
–Ambika
I know that it is a weird quote, and a weird analogy, but a reality. I grew up with friends more than my siblings. I have spent more time with my friends, more than I did it with my parents. Always friends were there for me at times when I was feeling low, when I was breaking with tears and not to forget when I wanted to share my joy.  I have a long list of friends, right from 6th std, whom I want to thank for being so nice to the ones I made recently, who are bundle of care. Special thanks to Bug and Channa for their care and concern, who wont rest until they make sure that I reach my place safely on a late working day at office.

Thanks to all…


Ruthless Wanderer

May 30, 2009

Its been a long time since I updated my blog, courtesy work and ofcourse my mind. I have been working nonstop lately. I had never worked so hard for my exams also. Anyway, anything has to happen for the first time.

Now you must be wondering why I chose the title of the post as Ruthless wanderer, and who it might be.
Its none other than my mind. It can travel around the world 5 times in a second. When I started writing this post I wanted to write something for the sake of updating the blog. A moment later it occured to me that why should not I write the things which makes a pass into my mind during writing.
That was just a thought, probably nobody on earth can understand if I ever happen to write that way.

But I want to tell you about this ruthless wanderer in me. So let me tell you what all crossed him today while on my way back from office. By the way why did I call mind as him(subconsciously)?

As soon as I was out of the office he started thinking about the newly laid road and a red Maruthi Swift standing under a tree. As I walked past 2-3 yards away and took a right turn with my one eye on a shop, he(mu mind) was thinking of the nice dresses displayed and made a calculation that he should drag me sometimes to that shop. After a walk of few minutes I was about to cross the road. I could sense the fear in him, I bet you he can never get rid of the fear of crossing road.

As I was walking in the Jyothi Nivas college road, he was looking at the hotels and people in and around  of hotel. I was seeing the vehicles parked on supposed to be one way road,
almost occupying more than half of the road. As I walked on the footpath he started cursing the people for bringing the footpath to such a sorry state. I agree with him. People can hardly walk on the
footpath easily, since hotels, fast food centers, juice centers hardly leave the footpath for the public.

A woman sitting on the footpath in her late teens caught my eyes. Another old women was sitting next to her and was preaching this young woman holding a baby in her hand. He wanted to listen to what the
old woman was preaching, with no avail. My walking speed was more and the ol woman’s voice was shrill. Few steps away there came a Hot chips shop. A kid of not more than 10 years was grating the potato watching all the pedestrians pass by, his skin oily and pale after standing in front of the frying pan from long. Does he have parents to take care of him?  Did the kid ever wanted to go to school, whether he enjoyed the work he was doing????????? He(my mind) was asking me so many questions which I could not answer. For a while he was lost in thoughts, feeling sad for the ordeal people go through. I tried to cheer him up by making him think of something else.

I think I have told enough about this interesting Ruthless wanderer in me 🙂


When I go back to little nest, my home..

April 8, 2009

Imagine a child’s joy when it joins its parents after being lost in an endless crowd. Thats how I feel whenever I step on the soil of Honnavar. I always feel like a lost soul in Bangalore. Words fall short to explain how I felt when bus I was travelling entered my very own familiar area. I could feel my adrenaline pumping high each second by the mere thought of going back home. I was there at the door of my house, on the day of new year.

After long time I was experiencing Ugadi at my home. I didn’t even remember when was it last time I celebrated it at home. Festivals are always good. You get to eat different kind of kajjaya. My mouth started watering by the thought of kajjaya even before I entered my house. All my family members were there to welcome me. It was a dandy feeling.  Everybody out there, take care of  me.

From that point of time I switch off my brain and follow what elders insist me to do. That is like being in safe mode. I find myself following the instruction given by them like an obedient soldier. Instructions might be as simple as, “Go and get yourself a bath, then come and have breakfast“.  “Did you pray god? Go and pray. We are nothing without god.”

And interrogations follow. “Where is your bindi? Why don you keep bindi? What happened to the bangles I gave you last time? What the hell happened to your hair? I can make out that you have not oiled it since you were here last time, what kind of haircut is this, ili kadid tara?” and the cry goes “these days children have become so smart that they dont even listen to what elders say.” Sometimes I am irritated when they yell at me.Very next moment I think what am I going to lose if I listen to them, Afterall they are the ones who care most.

As it is festival day and some Pooja is being offered I see people all around, busy arranging paraphernalia’s required for pooja. On a festival day like this its better if I dont roam too much inside the house. Coz the things which are to be offered to God should be untouched until the pooja is over. All these things amuses me, I start thinking, does really God get a chance to eat the food. We just show him what we have prepared and end up eating it ourselves. I ask my mom, “Why should you prepare the food in MADI? Why shouldn’t I touch the food you have prepared?” I have a habit of asking the reasons behind the archaic practices and I practice only if the reasons convince me. This habit of mine has annoyed my kins many times. Unlike others my mom patiently explains me. “Look, when you pray to god, prayer is complete only when you are pure at heart and mind. When you wear a pure cloth like silk or naru madi naturally there is a serene feeling, hence there is a rule that we should cook in MADI, and you should not touch the food since your hands might have been infected with bacteria. If you touch the food to be offered it will spoil the serenity of the food. There are scientific reasons explained in Vedic age for every practice and ritual we perform, unfortunately down the line we have failed to understand the meaning behind it and we have ended up performing it in a wrong way. You guys question things and argue it as baseless.” I am convinced at my mom’s answer. I think it’s so important for elders to explain the meaning of rituals, practices and culture in a convincing way, without which so called Generation Gap develops. So I settle for the best job suited for me, cleaning Banana leaves, which is the only work I can do efficiently on a festival day, other than eating ofcourse.

I wait eagerly for the Mangalarathi to get over to eat Prasadam. Mangalarathi is like a green signal to all of us who are waiting for lunch. I ask my mom again, “Can I have lunch now? I am damn hungry“. Permission is mandatory coz Guests are first priority on such occasions.

Wow.. finally the moment I was waiting for arrives. A spoon of  Ghee poured on Banana leaf before anything is served kicks off the lunch. I reluctantly eat Bevu Bella as it is a must on Ugadi and wait for the  rice which is going to be served with tambali, huli and hashi(typical,simple uttara kannada recipees). Delicious Hayagreeva(I have no idea why it assumes that name) served with Ghee.. Yummy.. I bet you, nothing is like food prepared at home.

I am the star of  the day. Everybody is concerned about how much I eat, if I like it or not. My relatives complain, “Look at Ambika, she has become so thin, are you on dieting or something?”. I smile at them and tell to myself “they seriously need an eye check up” .

I am overwhelmed with joy for their care and concern. My eyes are filled with tears which are an indication of both joy of being at home and sorrow of missing my place, my home and parents.


BMTC…

March 16, 2009

If there is anyone who enjoys BMTC journeys, it must be me.  One reason which i can think of, which contributes to my basking trips in BMTC is I dont have to commute daily in buses anymore. But in my college days BMTC was very important part of my life. My daily commutes to college in the bus created a special bond with them, so much so that I could recall almost all the bus numbers(not route numbers) of the buses which came in my route.
It was totally new experience to commute in BMTC during initial days of engineering. I was appalled to see people hanging to the bus with only half of their foot resting on the footboard. Daily I would sight people travelling in such a horrifying way and always feared they would hit a current pillar or another vehicle and die. Touchwood, nothing of that sort ever happened infront of my eyes.
I got used to such vistas by the time I was in 2nd year and I had started observing more significant things  happening around me. I observed greedy conductors collecting money from passengers without issuing ticket, it left me bewildered. I wondered whether they ever felt guilty of their actions at any point of time. I became aware of people taking advantage of rush and falling upon ladies  sometimes deliberately, conductors leaning on ladies in the pretense of issuing tickets etc etc… These things kinda puzzled me. 
By the time I was in mid 3rd year of engineering I had got a mobile phone with FM. My observations now moved out of the bus. Skillful Bangaloreans driving crazily in traffic amused me. It was fun to see people trying to overtake other vehicles from a distance of less than an inch. I told myself, “I am not fit to drive in this Bangalore traffic“.
These daily bonds with BMTC came to an end with the end of college life. BMTC commutes had made me aware of things around me, making me stronger and bolder. Not to forget to mention that I had even spent few hours studying on the bus. I had sometimes managed to study whole chapter in bus during exams and internals.
It is such tiny incidents which make my BMTC trips interesting and thanks to FM channels which can be refreshing, especially when you are stuck in traffic jams.


Wasted days of my life

February 27, 2009

It was a day out cleaning my dirty looking room. I had enough time to remove all the abandoned things which were starting to fossilize under my cot. One disgusting thing when you stay in PG( or as PG? I am not sure which one is right) is you never have sufficient place for yourself, let alone your things however precious they might be. I had dumped two bags of my books under my cot. I could feel the anguish on myself for bringing the books to such a sorry state.

Yeah, books mean a lot to me. I can’t stand people when they dont return my books in good health. Now what the hell I had done to my own books? I loosened the mouth of the bags hurriedly, I could see the books in battered shape. They seemed to be able to breath easily when I placed them on the table one after the other. All the books brought memories of college life back.

Those assignments, internals, struggles to complete records,  the way I battled for outputs in the lab, mass bunks, combined studies….. Those days wil never come back. I was awakened from middle of my thoughts when book slipped out of my hand and fell down.

There fell a yellow colour stout electronics book Millman Halkias, laughing at me. I was never able to complete a single chapter from that book. I bought that book for the reason that it was prescribed book. Seniors had told me “it’s like a bible for electronics students”. Rather it was like a classic work in electronis. You dont understand classics easily. I could not bear the mere thought of Millman and Halkias laughing at me so placed it behind me. Unfortunately, every other book I had placed in front of me seemed to laugh at me.  It was a horrible feeling. It was my mistake of not studying when I was supposed to. What a loser I was. That guilt inside was haunting me in the form of  books.

I had made a decision not to think of yesterday and waste my today. I consoled myself and went on arranging the books, promising them a better place next time.